Every New Year's day, for as long as I can remember, has been supremely about firsts. The first person I hugged. The first thing I ate. The first TV show I watched. The first person I texted. But after that day, all those firsts are lost in the non-first memories I make over the year. That day of firsts becomes completely irrelevant compared to the lessons I learn and the challenges I face over the course of what is, for the next 365 days, technically a new year. And so now in this new year, I reflect on the most important things that happened to me in 2014, partly because I can't remember who the first person I texted was in 2014, but mostly because I don't really care.
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I spent my first month of 2014 in the resort town of Mammoth Lakes, California. In fact, I don't even remember what I did for New Years while I was there, probably because the memory of that time vastly overshadows that one day. I was living in a broken home. Not broken by divorce, but broken by relationships. Tension was always high and fights were as common as checking your phone. I learned a very valuable lesson about family, and even more valuable lessons about myself. My time there ended on a worse than bad note. Things were said that could not be taken back, and I don't know about the other party, but I feel badly about how it all went down. I had been home for about a week and I was talking with my therapist about the events that occurred during the winter season, and he asked me what I should have done differently. I was taken aback. I could think of a million things other people should have done differently, but I had never stopped to think what I would have changed about my actions. To be honest, I didn't know the answer right then. But it haunted me over the next few weeks as I tried to think about how a change in me might have changed the situation.
Back then, I was still pretty shy. And I'm ashamed to say, I would often still use ignorance as an excuse. I still had residue of manipulation from past years on me, and truth was not my go to answer. There were a couple incidents where I pocketed all those traits and turned into a much better person than I was, but in the end, that person was gone. And I had withered back to my old ways and the first big event of 2014 was not a good one. By the end of my stay there, the man I thought was my friend and counselor had accused me of being an alcoholic, questioned my integrity, and judged my Christianity. Long story short, through dishonestly on both sides, secrecy, broken relationships, and tears, I left that horrible place. Geographically and emotionally.
But back to the great question! What could I have done differently? When I look back, I think that sometimes I was too hard on myself and the family I was staying with. I know that I let the line between tenant and family friend be extremely blurred. And I know that I did not stand up for what I believe is right. After a lot of reflection, I realize that I wasn't hard enough, that it was my fault that the line was blurred, and that I really needed to be more assertive. After all, it is important to stand up against wrong. I always remember this line from Megamind, that if there is evil, good will rise up against it. Now I'm not saying there was evil there, but there was wrong, and I should have stood up against it.
Since that experience, I have become much more assertive. I stand up against wrong, and I voice my opinion when I believe it is right. I also learned that in a good relationship, transparency is very important. It's easy to hide things, but you never know, the person you're hiding something from could be the only person who can help you solve it.
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According to my Journal, after I got home from Mammoth Lakes, I started working at Holiday Ham with my brother, Zach. There was a conversation I had with my brother that made me realize something. It seems so simple and stupid that I had never thought of this before, but I have to be confident in my decisions. I also have to be confident in decisions made by others for themselves. Zach and I are both adults and it's wrong of me to question or make fun of his decisions just as it is for him to do the same for me. It was weird, it was like an epiphany. It caused me to look back at my decisions. There have been a lot of big ones over the last 4 or 5 years.
And I am proud of all of them. I'm proud that I decided to take a year off college and work in St. Louis while living with my aunt and uncle. I learned valuable lessons while I was there. I'm proud that I came back to Memphis after Christmas to fight my depression head on. I learned valuable lessons through that. I'm proud that I worked through it over many months and went back to college the following fall. Another season of valuable lessons. I'm proud that I decided to drop out after that year and pursue a career teaching in Thailand. Valuable lessons learned there, too. And I am so proud that I decided to move here to Thailand. The lessons I've learned here so far have been amazing.
So don't be ashamed of your decisions, instead look for the lessons you learned that helped shape who you are today!
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I get to talk about Thailand because it was still part of 2014. I came here with about 55,000 baht. Which is about $1800. A very large group of us trained together in Hua Hin for one month and then moved to our placements around the country. I left Hua Hin with about 11,000 baht. Which is not that much. I blew through that money during training and I was going to have to pay for it here in Phuket. And I did! Money problems were always at the top of my issues. I was working part time, which pays much less than salary, but the worst part was there were so many holidays in November and December that I was only making around 16,000 baht a month. This is a perfectly acceptable salary for a Thai, but for a westerner in a vacation city, definitely not. There were numerous times where I didn't think I would be able to make it.
But I have a God who always provides. Here is an expert from a Facebook message I sent to my parents just a few days ago.
It never ceases to amaze me how God has provided for me over and over again since I've been here. With stuff as big as [finding ways around money problems] to small stuff like keeping the big rain clouds off my path when I have to drive to Phuket Town on Saturdays and its raining everywhere else. I've never really been in a situation where I've had no choice but to rely on God. And in the past, I've known that I can and should rely on God, but temporary security comes in many formers in your comfort zone, and being so far from it now, those temporary securities have faded, leaving only the one true security. I've never had doubts that God is real, but I feel as though He is truly showing himself to me while I'm here. And I think its a loving slap in the face to make me realize that there truly is only one security, one insurance that provides full coverage in any and every situation. I keep telling myself that while I'm here, even when I have everything I need, that the Lord will provide. He's provided for me thus far, so why would he stop when it gets worse? ...The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord!
I truly hope this shows you, reader, how amazing God is. How amazing it is that He uses the strangest, most random things and people to provide for you. Usually, we don't even notice because were so deep into our comfort zones. But He's there, and He's working for you. I've always known God has a plan for me, but it wasn't until Thailand that I realized that His plan for me is perfect.
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So now here we are again, at the beginning of another year--reminiscing about the past and wondering about the future. One of my favorite characters from the show Friends, Phoebe, says in one episode, "you're not mad about the...Louisiana purchase, are you? No! Because it's in the past!" It's a nice reminder that the past is just that, past. It's fun to remember, but its dangerous to reconsider. And the future... we have no idea. We make plans, but do our plans ever pan out exactly how we think they will? Not really. Does God's? Always. I say let 2015 be the year of trusting God's plan. Of course it's still good to plan ahead and make plans, but just remember that whatever does happen to you this year, it's all part of God's PERFECT plan to present you with challenges and teach you lessons. And no matter what happens, He will always be there to provide what he knows you need.
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